juuuuuuuust another rant because this is what journals are for...
how come i always date potheads. Bigger question, do i attract these people or does 90% of the world population smoke pot? I can compare it to the people in the building where i live. Out of 8 seperate apartments, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESNT SMOKE POT. Now thats not to say that everyone in the apartment smokes, however, in every single apartment there is a person who smokes every single day. Trust me if you ever come to visit youll smell it in the hallway, sometimes it seeps in to my apartment. Awesome. Especially when my parents come to visit or when they toke in the hallway.
Now lets say hypothetically I have a boyfriend who smokes pot. It doesnt really affect our relationship except for the fact that hes a) always talking about it b) telling me that he 'needs some' or takes calls from creepy people and then has to make a run out real quick and c) always needs to smoke before the bar, after the bar, when he wakes up, middle of the day, before a movie or while playing video games.
So, hypothetically, my "bf" plans on smoking for as long as humanly possible. At first I didnt care about this 'hobby', as long as it didnt affect us. But the more i think about it, the more angry i get. Im past this time in my life! I dont want to be around pot, i dont want to hear you talk about it. You sound like a fucking 13 year old who just saw his first boob. Its not that cool. Its not that interesting. & Im sorry, getting a subscription to High Times isnt my idea of a christmas present. Also, I could give a fuck how many celebrities smoke pot, or people down the street, or family members for that matter. What does that say about them? They are in the cool crowd? They know something I dont? Doubt it.
When it comes down to it, when Im married I want to be with someone who isnt involved in drugs. Dont give me the whole 'pot isnt a drug' bullshit. Its illegal, its a drug. Just because theres a bunch of stoners out there doesnt mean that puts it in the non-drug category. I dont want to have my husband put the kids down for a nap and sneak into the garage to smoke a bowl real quick where they cant see it. I dont want my kids to be wondering about pot when they are 16 and have my husband say "hey, why dont we smoke together, im your dad, you might as well learn it from me". Funny thing is, my "bf" already said that if he were to have children and they were curious, he would smoke with them. They deserve to know what its like in the safety of there own home. & according to him, it will be legal by then.
In conclusion.....in this entire hypothetical situation...do i give up on the relationship? Do i chalk up my losses? I think about it, there are PLENTY OF MEN out there who dont need to smoke pot. Not even need to, who dont WANT to. I can find someone who isnt into that lifestyle, who doesnt need to call dealers on a local basis and who doesnt surround themselves with people who are very into the drug scene, not just pot. Is this an issue that could potentially be a dealbreaker? What if we were to move in together, me and fake bf...do i have to be a fucking mother and say 'no smoking in or around the house'? I dont want to be put in that situation. who would?
fucking pot. stop following me around. Oh and to the people who are always shocked because i dont smoke, i can have a good time without being high, it's not that cool. Maybe one day you'll figure that out. |
Youve had an opputunity so many people dont. You have a shot to change the world. You have a DEGREE. You can get a great job. This is what youre supposed to do after high school -- these are a few of the things people have said to me regarding my studies at WMU. To all of those comments I say absolutely not. This is why.
Here I am, 23 years old, 20,000 in debt. Barely passing my classes, have the shittiest part time job one could have. Trying to work my ass off to graduate but when it comes down to it there isnt enough light in the fucking day for me to eat, sleep, study, work, write and maybe fit a work out in. I havent bought groceries in WEEKS. Im broke. A broke fucking college student who, thanks to a WONDERFUL professor at her college, hates her major and regrets ever coming here in the first place.
After my freshman year, when I pretty much failed out, my parents told me that maybe college wasnt the best idea for me. I disagreed and came back. I shouldve listened to them. I am going to graduate with a degree in something I never plan on touching again. Halfway through the past year I decided I want to work with the elderly and SURPRISE journalism has NOTHING to do with that. Not even close. And, like I stated above, I had a professor tell me that I suck at what I do and should consider another major, months before I recieve my degree.
In conclusion, I wish I would have went to Everest or Olympia or whatever the hell place it is that offers the medical assisting shit. I could be DONE, I could have a job, I could be paying my bills on time, not worrying about bullshit classes and information I will NEVER use for the remainder of my life and I could be HAPPY and UNSTRESSED and pretttty accumulated to everything around me. Instead Im high strung, tired, bitchy and pretty pessimistic about life in general.
Ive already dropped a class, so cross your fingers for me and hope I get out of here at one point in my entire fucking life. I just dont have the motivation, I dont have the drive. "oh but youre so close"...i could give a hoot. I want to be out of here and I want to start on with my life. 24 will be here soon and I know 22 year olds who have already been out of college for years...and HERE I AM, hanging out.
god let this be the last semester. |
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tat #4
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May. 7th, 2007 @ 04:30 pm
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since maggie has become such a massive peice of my heart and my life, I have decided that I am going to get a tattoo of her paw print. i figure all my tattoos mean something, all my tattoos have purpose and mag's is pretty much like my child and i love her more than anything, so i want to be able to remember that. after all, tattoos are memories right?
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i really hope that my brother nor anyone in my family reads this because Im about to reveal a secret Ive kept for the past three months that I know if they know i will get in biiiiig trouble for. although im 23, what can they really do.
my puppy, Maggie. i think i got her right around Valentines Day and she has been the best on-the-spot decision i have ever made. i got her from a family in Coldwater, which is about a little more than an hour from here. i went with every intention of just looking at her. troy & I had talked about it and both agreed I wasnt ready for a dog. but i went anyway, without troy, and the minute i saw her i knew i couldnt say no. a little 4 pound chihuahua, adorable, loveable.
and look at now. shes a part of the family. and the puppy that troy hated so much at the beginning he now loves just as much as i do. she is part of the family and i take her with me whenever i can. However, I must say i DO NOT carry her around or put her in one of those dog purses. i always let her walk. shes a dog, not an accessory! I love her to pieces and i talk about her constantly. my parents still dont know about her and neither does my brother, or anyone in my family. i intend to keep it that way, at least until i graduate! lol.
my little Maggie pie. i adore thee. its really amazing how much you can love something. i cant even imagine what having children is like if i love my dog this much. its insane. |
i just want to say something. within all the drama & the communication errors and the normal relationship ups and downs, i have an absolutely amazing boyfriend. Thats all = )
I've realized i have a problem w. forgiveness. I think more with unresolved issues. I tend to run away. & i just figure that person is going to fuck me over again so dont get close. my closest friends know i am the absolute worst at confrontation. I am. I admit it. I can barely call the cable company to dispute a charge. I guess its something I have to work on. I think its because I have seen so much negativity when I confront people that it scares me to do it. I feel like people cant be rational and just talk with me. Many of my friends just blow up and start yelling and getting defensive. Or its like talking to a brick wall and they dont want to talk at all so youre left knowing youre going to have to have another conversation if you want any answers at all. The only person I have been able to confront and who I know is rational enough to talk to me like a mature person is Lisa. everyone else I avoid. Maybe its just human nature. I mean obviously if it's a big enough issue where I NEED to confront, I will. But even doing that takes me days to work up to. |
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